Back in the 1970’s, a coxswain by the name of Joe Dante set out to be one of film’s great contemporary auters. An artist of exceptional vision and appealing source content, his screenplays were oft subject of many conversation within’ the circles of Hollywood’s elite. Quoted in 1978, while referring to Dante, a close friend once said that Joe had the potential be the “greatest director of our generation”. That close friend was none other than “The Godfather” director and preliminary member of New Hollywood, Francis Ford Coppola.

Fueled by the buzzing interest in his abilities, Joe came out of the gates blazing. His initial film, “Piranha”, was released in 1978 to uproarious response. “Have you seen this movie?”, said my Dad after noticing it on a West Coast Video shelf in 1998 —And he was right, as it is absolutely, positively considered to be one of THE directorial debuts in film history.

Hollywood, now knowing Dante’s money-making capabilities, gave the director free-reign - and with the collective fodder that Joe Dante produced prior to his success, he began work on a slew of films so safe, and so amazingly short-winded, that they would forever define a generation. Films like “The Explorers”, “Innnerspace” and “The ‘Burbs” would be released in succession, all receiving lukewarm to VERY lukewarm reviews by critics. “I like these movies, I’m sure of it”, said Chicago critic Rogert Ebert. “Wait, where am I?”, he would go on to say.

Clearly, Dante had gone down an avenue of film-making that no other director had even conceived of doing at that point: Make a movie that is so….easy to watch, and so harmless, you will leave a Joe Dante film tepid and numb, unable to form a proper review of a single thing you just witnessed.

To make conventional film even more conventional? It was a bold, brilliant strike. 

(Dante is synonymous with animatronic puppets. In fact, they are featured in all of his movies.)

1990: The greatest decade of Joe Dante’s life had come to an end. Worried that people were encroaching a point where they needed substance, variating plotlines and a less vapid approach, Dante pulled out his Magnum Opus….

 (**Gratuitous shots of the two towers throughout has caused a recent “R” rating conversion for the upcoming HD-DVD)

“Gremlins 2: The New Batch”, the long-awaited sequel to Dante’s horror-comedy ,”Gremlins”, was realized and released in early 1990 to a unanimous response. This time, instead of focusing more on the horror aspect the way the first Gremlins movie did, Dante decided to make the sequel much more tongue-in-cheek, emphasizing the comedic element that would soon be a staple during the 1990’s. “We wanted to make the sequel to ‘Gremlins’ much more satirical, because that’s something we can do”, he explained during one 1991 interview — And with a budget in the tens of millions, Dante was able to cast many Hollywood icons such as Zach Galligan, Phoebe Cates, “Mean” Gene Okerlund, Robert Picardo and Christopher Lee.

(“I’ve been in 275 movies. What’s one more?” - Christopher Lee)

All of our surviving heroes in “Gremlins” are back, including the impossibly cute Mogwai named Gizmo! He, of course, is the harborer of awful, crass mutants that can easily be released if he eats anything after midnight. Instead of immolating the dangerous Mogwai into nothingness, our main protagonists (played by Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates) bring Gizmo to their work after a series of problematic events - which is in a freshly constructed skyscraper that promotes new technology in the epicenter of New York City.

Naturally, after John Astin’s minor character sprays water all over him, Gizmo eventually allows these creatures to escape his body and wreak havoc all over this massive structure. Oh, and I forgot to mention that being exposed to water makes a Mogwai rapidly produce other Mogwais, asexually, out of their backs. This is important because they’re the ones who eat after midnight, causing this mess in the first place..

Now the gremlins, who multiply almost instantly when exposed to water, spend about 35-60 minutes in this movie making blatant references to well-known pop culture things and events in a cartoony, non-speaking manner. That is until one of the gremlins stumbles upon a seedy lab inside of the building that contains a secret syrum that will make any living creature super-intelligent, audible and endlessly sarcastic. Here the movie just takes off, as this newly introduced gremlin brings forth an incredibly well-handled concept and turns it into comedic diamonds.

(“This animatronic puppet will have glasses and a blazer” - Joe Dante)

Afraid that they may have caused a potential armageddon via gremiln smark, our two main characters - with the help of Gizmo (CUTEST) - use bright light to rid the thousands of creatures from within’ the building. Yes, bright light…the gremlins don’t do well with it. When it touches them, they melt into a green, meaty sauce that is very, very prominent in this movie. Every character is covered in it by the end of this film.

A barrage references to Rambo, Batman - and even appearances by Hulk Hogan and Leonard Maltin - solidify a comedy already showing a timeless aesthetic with it’s genre-bending, hybrid storytelling. There is even one scene in Gremlins 2 where people are WATCHING Gremlins 2 in a movie theater! Joe Dante was Christopher Nolan before Christopher Nolan was Christopher Nolan….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esR019e-uMQ.

When it was all said and done, “Gremlins 2: The New Batch” grossed a staggering 300 million dollars in the box office, domestically — with an additional 1.2 billion dollars to boot internationally. Some say that it is one of the sequels ever made, with it’s plot, dialog, and movie-like quality. Fred Bamby was quoted as calling it a “good movie, if you look at it the right way”.

(“Yea, I’ve seen it.” - Fred Bamby)

Dante would go on to make films following Gremlins 2, albeit more sparsely. “My kids don’t see me”, he said during a 1993 TNN interview. However in 1998, he directed the summer blockbuster “Small Soldiers”, which famously featured a good deal of CGI that most people found was not in Dante’s best interest. Rumors surfaced that Joe Dante had very little say in what he could and couldn’t do as far as special effects were concerned. After the success of “Flubber”, many studio executives saw it best to veer away from traditional puppetry and animatronics. A crushed and confused Dante felt that his artistic integrity was beginning to be put in check. He felt disrespected. His overt use of big puppets was all he knew, and it showed in “Small Soldiers”. The movie was panned by critics, calling it one of the worst disappointments in film.

It was around that time…1998, when Joe Dante decided to end his life. 

On December 25th, 1998, Joe Dante took a revolver to his head and pulled the trigger. He left behind 2 children.

Thanks for the memories, Joe.

TOMORROW’S THE BIG DAY! THE RAPTURE IS FINALLY UPON US!

Earth, it’s been a whole lot o’ fun, but I’ve got a real man waiting in the wings, and his name is Jesus “Lord” Christ!

I know you guys have a lot of packing to do for tomorrow’s big event (don’t forget that toothbrush, pal), but if I can deter your attention this way for just a few moments; I just wanted to say a few things, mainly to the people who oppose the theory that the second coming of our savoir is, in fact, going to occur tomorrow right around supper time:

— Listen, it’s fair of you to be so nonchalant about this. You’re probably saying to yourself, “But Steve, Prince Jesus Christ is a Hanna-Barbera cartoon boy thought up to stifle bouts of destitution and darkness. He couldn’t possibly ever exist let alone be the mystical descension of another cartoon boy who resides in Bespin and controls our fate as if he were a man caring for Sea Monkeys. Because of this, The Rapture couldn’t possibly occur!”.

Seven hours ago, I’d be in total agreeance with you. I’d have said, “Yuh.” ….but that was seven hours ago. Seven hours ago I was not consciously aware of one thing — a gleaming shimmer of completely reasonable logic and profoundness…..

King Christ was no mere “man”, my friends. He was, you got it, a Starman.

He’s a fucking STARMAN, guys! Jesus Christ is extra-terrestrial. It all makes so much sense now — And yo, heads up: He’s coming back tomorrow. At dinner.

A couple millenniums ago, some people saw some shit. This cat came from out of the wild blue yonder and started zappin’ people with all sorts of good stuff, and understandably, some people got spooked. They got spooked and they killed this guy. Now, here lies the fatal flaw: A few hours of proper interrogation and attempting to understand Christ’s diatribe would have been enough to get him to tell you about how God was actually an overseer or an emperor on a distant celestial planet, and that Prince Lord was sent here, by “God” (or “Ghod”), as a scout (for people harvesting). He entered our atmosphere as an anthropromorphic squib of light, and inherited the body of some newly born infant when nobody was paying attention. He was raised as a normal boy, albeit always knowing who his true self really was. He spent many years advisedly sheathing his cosmic abilities, fearful that people would see what he could do and use him for selfish reasons and wrongdoings. One day, right around his 30th year living on Earth, he came upon an old……bird who had a broke wing. Inconspicuously, Jesus King healed him with his other-wordly powers. Happy for the bird, he then decided to use his powers to aid others. He knew that Earth was a fairly new project, but he was fed up with it’s primitive attributes and lack of advanced technology. It was then he set out to heal the wounded, turn foods into foods, drinks into drinks, and began a Asian/European tour to enlighten people about his true origins.

Obviously, we know what happens to Jesus after that. People gettin’ real spooked, killin’ a guy because of his abilities…stay classy, human beings.

What we also know was that, during his famous resurrection on Easter Sunday, he did indeed proclaim his second coming for tomorrow, May 21st, aloud for all spectators to hear. 

My theory, which has now been proven to be fact, states that Prince King’s stay on Earth was filled with fond memories. He enjoyed our simple nature, our land’s aesthetics and, of course, our food and drink. During The Last Supper, Jesus told his pals at the dinner table that he was willing to return to Earth in 1988 years and recruit all believing humans to board his craft and join him on his home planet. He most likely decided to wait this long in order to give us time to progress socially and intellectually, for people 2000 years ago would just embarrass him in company. There, we will see the true meaning of life as we begin to understand our plights on Earth. This is the gift that all believers, all non-believers, have been yearning for. Jesus will leave behind the cynics, most likely also leaving behind some form of mass destruction (superior weapons technology? A large beast?) in order to rid the rest of the galaxy of such inferior lifeforms. 

I’m telling you guys — This is 100% legitimate. As fact as fact could be. You thought you had it all figured out, didn’t you? Nope. Ya’ gut nuthin’. He’s comin’.

Pack your shit.

I admire a man of unmitigated bravery; the kind of man who finds tranquility in dangerous situations, the man who doesn’t scream “Look at me! I’m climbing this giant fucking mountain!”, while climbing a giant fucking mountain. An individual of great worth - the type of people who we, as a society, revere as if they were humble martyrs — and deservedly so. What’s not to like about a person who can calmly perceive an unrealistic challenge as an opportunity to progress? Progress for themselves; progress for our species…

From a distance, I am appreciative. As coward, I am appreciative.

I am a coward.

I am the man who appreciates things from a distance. I am fearful. Fearful of the path we take in order to discover newly kindled attributes within our personalities. “No risk, no reward”? Fine. That’s fine - Because more often than not, said risk will outweigh said reward. Hypothetically, If you were to climb a mountain, your reward would ultimately be self-satisfaction and a handful of washed out memories for you to personally cherish until the day you die (and possibly a 60-second piece on PBS New England). To some, this is a reward worth the risk. To me, this is a damned foolish endeavor.

What will be that person’s legacy once they’re dead? And what if you die during an act of bravery? If your passion is a high-risk activity the likes of cliff diving or…snake kissing, and you die doing one of these activities, you can’t expect to be perceived as anything but foolish and stupid.

Which brings me to my next question (in which I again ask from a distance): Does bravery coincide with stupidity? 

It’s the old “natural selection” gag, here. I’m not talking about the knuckleheads you see on Youtube hurling themselves off their Dad’s garage onto a bed of glass. Clearly, those people are very stupid people. To put yourself in that situation for user views can only mean that you’re stupid. No, I’m talking about your typical firefighter, or your casual skydiver. Yes, we respect those people for what they do, but when you partake in an occupation or a hobby that traditionally has a high death-rate - and then ultimately DIE doing it - is it incorrect or disrespectful for us cowards to say “obviously”? Or are we, as cowards, just being cowards?

It’s interesting to me. It really is. Aware that we all will cease to exist one day, I remain cautious and inside of my metaphorical safety ring: A “cowardly” act that can really only mean better odds for me. I sacrifice new experiences, instead watch contently from afar. Yet as a coward, I see the people who make themselves more susceptible to scrutiny and death as foolish, for they are rolling the dice against the life they were given…such a short, meaningless life….

Meaningless.